The hottest ish around. Still.
(I wish they'd release the soundtrack already.)
23 August 2008
It's Hard to Keep Caring About Fantasy Baseball
But I'm trying. For real. I want to care. I definitely need to have more ridiculous e-mail conversations debating the value of Mark DeRosa (who is a goddam fine ballplayer!!!).
But I just can't keep it going. After I won the league last year, and got that pewter trophy in the mail. Very unexpected. The trophy, I mean, but the feeling I had was unexpected, too. I felt like a loser. Like I now had to put this thing on the wall or display it somehow, so that all my friends could see how fucking awesome I am at fantasy baseball, a testameent to how little I do at work and how little I care about my wife and kids. (I don't even have a wife and fucking kids!!!) Like there was some other career I could have had telling everybody all the right moves on the diamond.
Fuck Joe Torre!!!
Actually, I really like the guy and hated to see him go. But nobody listens to me, even with my goddam trophy. (We won 108 fucking fantasy games!!!)
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((Yes, three goddam exclamation points.) I love parenthesis.)
Good Job Michael Phelps, But Usain Bolt is the Man
And he has a waaaaaay cooler name. Sorry. It's true.
And, yeah, he's probably on steroids, but if you're not on drugs, then you're a fucking cyborg, so whatever. I give up. Cheat away.
Electric Fly Swatter
You don't think you want this. But you do. Even if you don't have flies or mosquitos, buy one of these and go find some.
It will bring more joy to your life than it should, and maybe more joy than you deserve. You can kill pests with a nasty backhand slice, or give them the full force of your serve. And when you catch a juicy fly on the sweet spot, it pops like a firecracker, and sometimes sizzles a little.
Only $12. I bought two.
50 Children Died -- Think About This
It's easy to dismiss the numbers from a war. The casualties. Even the dead children. In this country, we like to draw some imaginary distinction between our "intentions" and the "results" of the endless war we willfully propagate.
So maybe it's easy for you to see this headline, and gloss over it:
Afghan President Assails U.S.-Led Airstrike
Maybe it would matter to you if "terrorists" had killed 50 children. But if we did it, by mistake, maybe you can go back to your life, your TV shows, your mortgage, your prescription medication, the yellow ribbon you put on your gas-guzzling SUV to support our troops, who are protecting our oil interests in the name of democracy so you can pay four fucking dollars a gallon.
(Note that there are no photos of this atrocity.)
30 July 2008
17 July 2008
Obama Is My Slave
If you wear a T-shirt that says "OBAMA IS MY SLAVE," you should be ready to kiss a few fists. And after that happens, if you sue the person who made the T-shirt, you probably deserve another beat down.
But if, on top of all that, you pay $69 for that ridiculous T-shirt (made by someone who actually believes Barack Obama is a Muslim) then maybe we should be a little more forgiving. You are obviously retarded and not responsible for your actions.
15 June 2008
Look on the Bright Side
"Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there."
~P.J. O'Rourke
12 June 2008
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